You were holding my breath in your lungs and I was waiting for you to exhale.


In every lifetime we collided; I felt it in my chest the first time you directed your steps toward me. I was terrified of losing you before I even knew you, yet my bones were saying, "you never will." My bones did not tell me they would soon shatter like a car window in a collision.


Every part of me loved you. Irrevocably and selflessly I loved you, until you pushed so hard I fell from the ledge you had me on. And you refused to see how I was now different, how we were different, how the elasticity I had always carried in my chest had snapped. You refused to look at my shattered bones, and you refused to say, "I did this."

I fell in love with you the way fire spreads across a plain. Once it started, it was impossible to stop. But I didn’t fear it. It was formidable, tantalizing, I didn’t wish to put it out. I wanted it to burn until I ceased to exist, until my skin and my bones turned to hot ashes you would then tuck safely into the hollow of your chest. You blew on the flames and I let you envelop me.

I should have known that once you fall in love, the only way left to fall is apart.

You took your love back and it was like death. I was in the palm of your hand and you clenched the tightest fist, denying me breath, the flutter of my eyelids, forbidding my own heart to beat inside its newly crushed chest. I wrapped myself in the blackest hour of the night, trying to heal my broken pieces, but I couldn’t untangle myself from your fingers. Your grasp was irrevocable and the flames continued to lap at my wrists and at my neck. The burning ceased to be desirable, it became excruciating. You were killing me and you knew it.

Hearts don’t mend once they’ve been broken. They turn into unrecognizable shapes, gnarled, twisting towards a light that will never again be bright. My pieces shattered into millions, scattering themselves so wide I feared it would take a lifetime to piece them back together.

You should know that when you fall in love, you’re going to fall apart.

Went on a casual eight (at least) mile hike through the Mohonk and Minnewaska preserves with my favorite person and had the best few days I've had in a long time. 

Cutting across trails because Dane can't stay on the trail.

Lake Minnewaska

Sketchy motels are the only way.

It was amateur hour in the cover song recording department today. The first is William Fitzsimmon's "Took" and the second is Snow Patrol's "You Could Be Happy" featuring the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song. 

witches

On Halloween I went to Salem, MA with my mother. Very touristy, but still interesting. I don't recommend paying for the museums–maybe just the Witch Dungeon Museum–but the town itself is so cute and the Old Burying Point cemetery is perfect. 

Attempted to transform myself into a Morticia Addams/witch hybrid. Having black hair would have been much more effective. 

This is very blurry.

Mother dearest.

Stumbled upon my initials. Then I found a near replica of this headstone, only the initials were AB instead of EB. My sister's name is Abigail. Fun finds!

the last time i sat in the rain, begging it to wash me away, i could not pin point the pain.
this time i know, and i can't bear it.

I'm trying to hide things that remind me of you, but not get rid of them. I will not erase you. I just want to stop feeling so sad that you can't be who I needed you to be. We're different, and I need time, but I won't let you go.