baking soda

After hearing all about it on the internet, I finally tried using baking soda as a face wash. I loved it. It made my skin so smooth, and I have very acne prone skin so it's difficult getting my face to feel nice. 

I used a small tupperware (so if it fell in the shower it wouldn't break) to mix 3 tablespoons of baking soda and about 1.5 tablespoons of water. I applied it all over my face and let it sit for about five minutes before rinsing it off. Once my face dried I applied my normal face lotion. My skin stayed smooth for a few days, so you really only need to do this once a week. 

you

My sweetest, sweetest love, getting tanned by the sun and ripped from bike riding. I miss everything about you. I miss making dinner together, especially in your kitchen because you had plenty of counter space and I could sit on your couch and watch HBO shows when I wasn't needed. I miss biking alongside you. I miss the distance between the subway stop and your apartment. I miss your hand grabbing my a$$ in public. I miss your a$$. I miss eating miso soup and sushi. I miss rendezvousing through the grocery store. I miss you pointing out cute birds to me. I miss your curiosity and desire to learn, and then your eagerness to share with me. I miss your awful pillows and you letting me take the better of the two. I miss seeing you walk towards me, and how I could pick you out from so far away because of how well I know your body and the way you walk. I miss the dimples in your lower back. I miss your hand searching for mine.

I swear it's like I'm missing my right arm. Even amongst all the pain of our changing relationship, I miss you more than I can possibly bear to think about. 

I'm haunted by this torment every moment
I cannot shake you out of my bones the way i want to
I cannot extract you from the pores in my skin, and lately
you feel so close to a sin

I've been pushing so hard,
and you only push hack a little
I'm stuck in this place
I'm stuck in the middle
of you, and where i need to be

arms such a mess around your waist
fingers laced in your hair
my eyes entrapped in the darkest
the deepest parts of you

if you haven't noticed, i'm dying
you said you wanted me alive
but my love
you're the one who's killing me.

special water

Yesterday I "made" rosemary-blueberry-lemon infused water, and it's really delicious. Just fill a pitcher with water and add however much you like of rosemary, blueberries, and lemon. And it's so pretty!

rafting

Yesterday I went white water rafting for the first time with Zoar Outdoor in western Mass, and it was truly riveting. It was. I was terrified before getting in the water because I'd been expecting the unruliest rapids, but once in the boat, paddle in hand, I felt much more comfortable. Even going through the rapids seemed like a breeze (maybe a bit of a strong breeze, or like, a medium wind), but then at the end of the day I looked back through the photos taken of us, and in every one I was leaning into the center of the boat being completely useless paddling-wise. But the photos were all taken at the scariest moments when we really weren't even required to paddle! I swear, I did so well other than those particularly unfortunate moments. Our guide was very impressed with the occupants of our raft; apparently we were exceptionally strong considering he usually has to deal with people who have probably never held a paddle in their lives. Thanks to my father, I've been on many kayaking journeys, being on the river all day for 3-4 days straight. I used to ride in the boat with him and let him do all the work, but when I got old enough I got my own boat like a real life adult. So paddling through a river is not a strange concept to me.

I was also feeling pretty good all day, and I'm pretty sure our guide was flirting with me as subtly as he could since my father was sitting in the same boat as us, but along with looking useless in the photos that were taken, I also looked, uh, NOT cute. Does everyone go through this? I hate seeing photos of myself, especially when I'm wearing a life vest and a helmet. I can't wear a helmet, not have on any makeup, and be out in a river for 3 hours and expect to look good. Damn it.

The ways in which we fit into each other's lives aren't the same as they were in the beginning or the middle. But promise me there will never be an end, only endless beginnings and middles.