baking soda

After hearing all about it on the internet, I finally tried using baking soda as a face wash. I loved it. It made my skin so smooth, and I have very acne prone skin so it's difficult getting my face to feel nice. 

I used a small tupperware (so if it fell in the shower it wouldn't break) to mix 3 tablespoons of baking soda and about 1.5 tablespoons of water. I applied it all over my face and let it sit for about five minutes before rinsing it off. Once my face dried I applied my normal face lotion. My skin stayed smooth for a few days, so you really only need to do this once a week. 

you

My sweetest, sweetest love, getting tanned by the sun and ripped from bike riding. I miss everything about you. I miss making dinner together, especially in your kitchen because you had plenty of counter space and I could sit on your couch and watch HBO shows when I wasn't needed. I miss biking alongside you. I miss the distance between the subway stop and your apartment. I miss your hand grabbing my a$$ in public. I miss your a$$. I miss eating miso soup and sushi. I miss rendezvousing through the grocery store. I miss you pointing out cute birds to me. I miss your curiosity and desire to learn, and then your eagerness to share with me. I miss your awful pillows and you letting me take the better of the two. I miss seeing you walk towards me, and how I could pick you out from so far away because of how well I know your body and the way you walk. I miss the dimples in your lower back. I miss your hand searching for mine.

I swear it's like I'm missing my right arm. Even amongst all the pain of our changing relationship, I miss you more than I can possibly bear to think about. 

I'm haunted by this torment every moment
I cannot shake you out of my bones the way i want to
I cannot extract you from the pores in my skin, and lately
you feel so close to a sin

I've been pushing so hard,
and you only push hack a little
I'm stuck in this place
I'm stuck in the middle
of you, and where i need to be

arms such a mess around your waist
fingers laced in your hair
my eyes entrapped in the darkest
the deepest parts of you

if you haven't noticed, i'm dying
you said you wanted me alive
but my love
you're the one who's killing me.

special water

Yesterday I "made" rosemary-blueberry-lemon infused water, and it's really delicious. Just fill a pitcher with water and add however much you like of rosemary, blueberries, and lemon. And it's so pretty!

rafting

Yesterday I went white water rafting for the first time with Zoar Outdoor in western Mass, and it was truly riveting. It was. I was terrified before getting in the water because I'd been expecting the unruliest rapids, but once in the boat, paddle in hand, I felt much more comfortable. Even going through the rapids seemed like a breeze (maybe a bit of a strong breeze, or like, a medium wind), but then at the end of the day I looked back through the photos taken of us, and in every one I was leaning into the center of the boat being completely useless paddling-wise. But the photos were all taken at the scariest moments when we really weren't even required to paddle! I swear, I did so well other than those particularly unfortunate moments. Our guide was very impressed with the occupants of our raft; apparently we were exceptionally strong considering he usually has to deal with people who have probably never held a paddle in their lives. Thanks to my father, I've been on many kayaking journeys, being on the river all day for 3-4 days straight. I used to ride in the boat with him and let him do all the work, but when I got old enough I got my own boat like a real life adult. So paddling through a river is not a strange concept to me.

I was also feeling pretty good all day, and I'm pretty sure our guide was flirting with me as subtly as he could since my father was sitting in the same boat as us, but along with looking useless in the photos that were taken, I also looked, uh, NOT cute. Does everyone go through this? I hate seeing photos of myself, especially when I'm wearing a life vest and a helmet. I can't wear a helmet, not have on any makeup, and be out in a river for 3 hours and expect to look good. Damn it.

The ways in which we fit into each other's lives aren't the same as they were in the beginning or the middle. But promise me there will never be an end, only endless beginnings and middles.

saddest songs

My favorite songs to sing are by Daughter. The first is called "Youth" and the second is "Landfill." Sad songs are the only way. 

I've been sketching in my new sketchbook. I have the talent of a twelve year old, but I'm still thoroughly enjoying myself. 

supermarket

You made me nervous, and I wasn't sure how to act. It had been so long, it was like being with you for the first time all over again. But we were rounding into the frozen food section of the supermarket when you made a joke, and then turned to me and kissed me quick, right on my lips. I stood in place, smiling, a little surprised, and relieved that you still wanted to kiss me.

la citta

My trip to New York was as perfect as I'd hoped it would be. I usually expect the worst since my luck is less than ideal, but everything was wonderful. Dane met me at Grand Central when I got off my train and stayed with me through the following day, which was my birthday. We went to Coney Island where I discovered I now get nauseous on rides, and we cooked dinner later that night after I'd gotten drinks with my best friend at Manchester Pub, my old place of work. I proudly flaunted my new red bag from Beacon's Closet and my Lena Dunham "birthday suit tee." On Thursday night, after eating too much sushi, we found a gorgeous spot in Brooklyn where we could see the tip of Manhattan. Exploring with Dane is my absolute favorite activity. 

Of course the week couldn't end without Dane and me discussing the inevitable: what we *are*. [My] tears flowed relentlessly, because really how could they not, but everything worked out as well as they possibly could given the situation. I can't imagine a life without Dane in it, and from I can tell, he feels the same about me. But that isn't always reason enough to stay in a legitimate relationship, because there are outside factors you can't control. I left New York, but even if I'd stayed I wouldn't have been happy there. Dane needs to find happiness for himself as well, so we're both on our own journeys. Thank goodness we can still talk and visit each other through it all. As devastated as I am that we're no longer exactly what I want to be, this is worlds better than cutting ties entirely. I do have fears and hesitations about our more friendly situation, but I can barely think about them let alone write them down. I have to keep them from plaguing my head so I don't go crazy. 

Coney Island.

Dane's apartment, one of my favorite places to be.

The view from Brooklyn Bridge Park.

Love note.