being single and weird

I think way too much about my past, and about all the really embarrassing things I've done in my life. I usually do this in the shower, and then there's nothing to distract me from my burning memories, and I cringe and scrub my loofah harder and harder against my skin in frustration. I analyze things I've said, not just from two days ago, but from two years ago. Whyyyyyy. I've been keeping a list of some things, and now that I've been in a relationship for over a year, I think it's time to put the list to rest. Not that I'm under a firm assumption I'll never be single again, but if I'm ever single again, I like to think I'll have my ish together (I will never have my ish together).

You're a hot mess if.....

1. You dance in one–or all–of these three ways in public, thinking you look sexy:

• The moonwalk. It isn’t even that great considering you’re drunk, but I mean, you probably wouldn’t be showing this guy your moonwalk if you were sober, right…? Not only do you moonwalk across the open floor for all to see, but you stare at him as you do so, with drunken, seductive eyes. What you’re doing is impressive, yes, under the right circumstances, but is it sexy? Something that will make him think, “this girl is moonwalking right into my heart”? No. He's probably thinking, “just smile and nod, you don’t actually have to call this girl.”
• Salsa dancing. No one really knows how to salsa, so no one will join you. You will be alone, salsa dancing to Rihanna mediocrely and visibly without training, thinking you have some technique because you watch So You Think You Can Dance and own the Zumba workout DVDs. I especially love to migrate around with my salsa dancing, leaving my friends in the dust, eyes glazed over, and probably with a creepy smile on my face. 
• Dance off/krumping. I’ve had one real dance off in my life and it was in an empty bar at 3 am while two men watched and cheered me on as I did, wait for it... the MOONWALK. The bartender I was in love with at the time was working that night and saw the whole thing go down, which is super embarrassing. I did win the battle, but probably because I krumped until my face was blue. Unless you're in an underground hip-hop club or part of a professional dance situation, you should not attempt to krump anywhere other than the privacy of your room.

2. He texts you later that night once you’ve both left the bar and you respond with something along the lines of, “sup homez?” If you need further explanation on why this isn’t okay, then you’re probably beyond help and five steps away from the nearest convent.

3. You compliment his nail beds. Enough said. Side note: if he responds enthusiastically to you praising his nail beds, then it’s time to move on. Or maybe you just deserve each other.*

4. You fall for the bartender at your *favorite* bar. Do not continue down this road; get out while you still can. Meeting people under the wrong circumstances is far too common, and it sucks. The casual, impersonal conversation you have to shout at each other over the noise and three feet of bar space between you usually isn’t legitimate enough to begin a relationship on. You’ll obsess over every word the two of you share and place more meaning upon them than they actually deserve, and he’ll forget within 4 hours. You’ll start frequenting this particular bar, and he will notice. He’ll think, “oh, there she is…again.” If he didn’t ask for your number during one of your first three visits, he’s not going to ask at the fifteenth visit mark.

5. You write your love interest a "like letter." This is like a love letter, but not as intense. It doesn’t matter how many drunken, shouted-over-the-music conversations you’ve had with the hot bartender over the course of the summer, do not under any circumstance write him a lengthy note of any sort. It doesn’t matter if it isn’t even creepy because it’s just filled with ramblings and nonsense, it will seem creepy and you’ll be the laughing stock of the entire staff. I'd like to point out that my best friend didn't tell me this was a terrible idea until after I delivered the note. So really, it's her fault. 

6.  You start reading poetry. If you’ve had a lot to drink and you’re feeling sentimental and sad, you might be tempted to whip out your poetry books and share your favorites. Some guys might actually like this, if they’re *actors* and *philosophical* and *European* but you will only feel like a fool the next morning.

7. You send your crush a :( face via Facebook message at the end of the night, thinking he'll immediately understand that you were very sad to have gone home alone. He won't even respond. Social media in general is very dangerous.

*My friend did this, I just consider it too important to leave out.