SOS

Life in Vermont is dull and agonizing and exhaustingly repetitive. I went back to work at my old high school job–a gift shop at the top of a small mountain with a large view–after the owner called me, basically begging me to work for him during the oh so popular foliage season. In a desperate attempt to avoid tedious job applications and learning a new work place, I agreed. I'm sure it was a mistake. I'm uninspired and severely lacking mental stimulation. There is so much time for my mind to plummet to its dark, cavernous place where anguish prevails above all else. One night in particular I was so upset I drank at least a full bottle of cheap Pinot Noir and woke up to my pajama pants on the floor and the memory of sending borderline suicidal texts to Dane. It was like being back in high school when my cries for emotional help were overwhelming, uncomfortable, and not taken seriously.

That's it. Other than acquiring my very own car, nothing else has happened. The winter is fast approaching and I'm desperate to get out of here before it hits hard.

Every cold morning I drink "Full Moon" coffee, and every morning I try to be a witch. I've yet to be successful.

Introducing Ady (pronounced like "80"), my very age appropriate, classy car. God bless freedom.

I had a moment with this dog through our respective cages, mine being the gift shop, his being an actual cage.

In hell, having a casual cocktail with the raspberry liqueur we sell at the gift shop. Cocktail hour was surprisingly not my idea, but that of my 58ish year old coworker, Toni. She's a delight when I am not feeling so delighted, which is always.

The book I've been waiting for. I relate to Lena's stories more than I care to admit.

At home, soaking in the pretty leaves. I actually have been quite enchanted by the leaves this year, especially the red ones. I've nearly crashed my car multiple times from photo taking and observing.

This post feels like one giant white girl problem, so I'd like to say I am incredibly grateful that I have a home, fantastic parents, a car, and a job (even though I'm only making 10/hour, which sucks, but okay, it's a job).

job hunting is fun

Job hunting is basically the worst. You spend hours filling out multiple online job applications at companies you've never heard of, and you're lucky if you even get a response rejecting you, saying you're not going to be continuing on in the hiring process. Think of how many people have access to an online job application, whether or not they're the slightest bit qualified. I can't imagine my resume even gets looked at for most of the jobs I apply to. Knowing someone at a company is so crucial. I did have a connection for a junior editor position at the art website ARTnews, but that connection got fired so I had to say goodbye to that one. Then another connection I had fell through. Then my supervisor at my past internship decided to go MIA, so I couldn't use her as a connection anywhere. Now that I'm on the verge of being 25, have waitressed for a year and a half, and am now living at home–which is boring as all hell–I'm so ready to have a solid job. 

Yesterday, the connection who had previously fallen through, came back through and let me know I should be contacted in the next few weeks about an interview. This is a travel company based in Rhode Island, and I want a job here so f***ing badly. What the heck is in Rhode Island I have no idea, but after asking around I learned that Providence is a real up-and-coming city with a lot of culture to be found. And then there's the ocean. I love the ocean. Even if I've never been to Rhode Island, it sounds pretty promising. Working at a travel company where I'd be required to travel every year would be such a burden, but like, I'll do it.......

With my lack of experience in the professional working world, I'm not confident I'll get a job at all. There's always going to be someone more qualified, which is really intimidating. Despite my stripped confidence, however, I'm setting myself up for disappointment with all the fantasizing I've been doing. I haven't even had an interview and I'm already imagining my life in this new place, with this new job (which would probably be in sales, but I don't even know). I don't know anything, like usual, but in my head I create what my life will be like anyway. I'll find a cheap apartment where I can live alone and decorate how I please, I'll get a dog, I'll start thinking about where I want to travel to, I'll make new friends, I'll discover new favorite coffee shops, I'll become a regular at a cool dive bar. My mind runs away at full speed with any idea or potential opportunity I get, no matter how small it is. 

Maybe it's not realistic, but why can't it be? Why shouldn't I find a job I love and finally live the life I want? It's not like I'm dreaming for the moon here.