I went for a walk down my road with my camera on a nice day. 

The house across the street from my own. Inhabited briefly a few times a year by possible killers. 

The red leaves are my favorite.

No one lives here anymore. The people who own it stopped coming up years ago. It's absolutely haunted. 

My house. Built by my dad and only half haunted, since we live on property containing multiple foundations of old homes from the 1800s and the ghosts like to visit.

A ghost has been messing with my rearview mirror. Two mornings in a row it had been moved drastically. The thirdly morning, after asking my dad if he'd been in my car, it was untouched, but I locked my car that night anyway. The next morning it was turned down again. I did not move it. I thought long and hard about if I had by accident. I did not.

SOS

Life in Vermont is dull and agonizing and exhaustingly repetitive. I went back to work at my old high school job–a gift shop at the top of a small mountain with a large view–after the owner called me, basically begging me to work for him during the oh so popular foliage season. In a desperate attempt to avoid tedious job applications and learning a new work place, I agreed. I'm sure it was a mistake. I'm uninspired and severely lacking mental stimulation. There is so much time for my mind to plummet to its dark, cavernous place where anguish prevails above all else. One night in particular I was so upset I drank at least a full bottle of cheap Pinot Noir and woke up to my pajama pants on the floor and the memory of sending borderline suicidal texts to Dane. It was like being back in high school when my cries for emotional help were overwhelming, uncomfortable, and not taken seriously.

That's it. Other than acquiring my very own car, nothing else has happened. The winter is fast approaching and I'm desperate to get out of here before it hits hard.

Every cold morning I drink "Full Moon" coffee, and every morning I try to be a witch. I've yet to be successful.

Introducing Ady (pronounced like "80"), my very age appropriate, classy car. God bless freedom.

I had a moment with this dog through our respective cages, mine being the gift shop, his being an actual cage.

In hell, having a casual cocktail with the raspberry liqueur we sell at the gift shop. Cocktail hour was surprisingly not my idea, but that of my 58ish year old coworker, Toni. She's a delight when I am not feeling so delighted, which is always.

The book I've been waiting for. I relate to Lena's stories more than I care to admit.

At home, soaking in the pretty leaves. I actually have been quite enchanted by the leaves this year, especially the red ones. I've nearly crashed my car multiple times from photo taking and observing.

This post feels like one giant white girl problem, so I'd like to say I am incredibly grateful that I have a home, fantastic parents, a car, and a job (even though I'm only making 10/hour, which sucks, but okay, it's a job).

yahtzee

Yesterday my parents and I went on an impromptu camping trip to Jamaica State Park, VT, aka the no service capital of the Northeast. Not a single hint of a signal for miles. I'm all about not using my phone–in theory–but when it comes down to it, I go into full panic mode when I can't communicate with Dane for 18 hours. I kept distracted by biking five miles, hiking two miles, experiencing severe dehydration, swimming in the coldest river ever, and eating too many Twizzlers. I also almost ran over a snake with my bike, and on four separate occasions I found a daddy long legs crawling up my sweatshirt. What the fuck is with daddy long legs? They need to not.

The perfect outdoors look: hiking sneakers and a fanny pack.

I so badly wanted to sit in this ridiculously clear water.

On a different note, Dane let me know this afternoon that he got work off for the time I'm in NYC next week. Since things with us have been, uh, iffy, I was so overwhelmed with joy I couldn't really decide how to react. I'd been preparing myself for a very lonely and sad NYC trip without Dane, but I think it will turn out much better than expected. I got his text after I'd been browsing through our shared Photobucket account and (kind of) crying...

scattered

My scattered thoughts atm (at the moment):

1. I can't stop listening to "Black Widow" by Iggy Azalea ft. Rita Ora. I used to strongly dislike Iggy Azalea, probably because she confused me and I just didn't *get* it (this is how I will forever feel about Lana Del Rey), but something recently clicked and now she's rapidly growing on me.

2. I'm kissing my dreams of working at Chelsea Lately goodbye, since the last episode airs next week. My admiration for Chelsea Handler is so strong, and I will never give up thinking we'll be best friends one day. I understand there is a vast age difference between us, but age is irrelevant when surpassing her maturity is not any kind of an issue. She's a strange kind of idol, but an idol of mine she is.

3. Taylor Swift's new song "Shake It Off" is so fun and special. I thrashed too hard around my room earlier today and hit my head. I'm fine on a physical level, but maybe not a mental one? Also, her hair is all the shades of sophistication and polished I'm looking for. I'll be cutting and dying my hair this weekend, and permanently straightening it at a later date. I had all of these ideas before the "Shake It Off" video, I swear (this is only half true).

4. I'm going to Rhode Island next week for a casual interview at the company I've recently been dreaming of working at. Now that I've gotten this far, I'm terrified of actually getting a job. As badly as I want to start this new chapter in my life, it's so intimidating and a part of me is screaming, look for jobs in New York City, because it's comfortable. But like I've successfully done in the past, I have to push myself out of my comfort zone and wait for everything to turn out alright. My intuition has yet to lead me astray KNOCK ON WOOD.

5. After my interview, I'm heading to Brooklyn to house/cat sit for four days, which means I'll be spending my birthday in the city. I'm worried I'll be disappointed by Dane. I'm keeping my expectations low, and I'm reminding myself that we are...whatever we are. I just have to wait and see how things turn out. What a fun time in my life!

6. I did not enjoy the bike ride I went on today. I only liked this stretch of the path:

Thinking about the small bug that flew into my eyeball, and how I would get it out without a mirror.

looking back

I've lived in NYC for about five years now, and I'm finally leaving it. I've been wanting to move for a while, but this year it felt very right. I'm ready for a new city, new people, new shops and cafes to explore, and a new life in general. It was the most difficult decision I've ever made, I've been an absolute mess! Only recently did I stop calling my mother upon waking up to have my daily meltdown. I'm 24, by the way, and still crying on the phone to my mom multiple times a week. I'm fine... 

My final decision was to move back home to Vermont for a bit, save some money, and get my ish together. This is temporary. The last thing I want is to find myself still at home in six months, taking gas money from my dad and eating ice cream on the couch every night, but I'm adamant about leaving Vermont the minute I know where else to go. I'm no longer cut out for that place for longer than a week. 

I started my NYC adventure at the Fashion Institute of Technology when I was barely 20 years old. After living on campus for three years, I moved to an apartment with my two best friends in Midtown East. I graduated, started waitressing at a small, hole in the wall soccer pub, and then moved again to Queens with another friend. I've been waitressing for a year and a half now. It's an easy job and I like my coworkers, but I can only take so much of that damn place. I'm the newest employee, with many of them having been there at least three years. Nooo way was I going to allow that to happen to me. After over a year of customers asking "what beers do you have on tap?" while the draft list is clearly visible up on the wall, a person gets quite weary. I've also been working Trivia Night every Sunday since I got the job. That might sound like fun to some of you, but it's the worst, I swear. I see the same people every single week and listen to my borderline monotone boss asking questions that are much too difficult for people of my generation to answer. It's the same, boring routine every time. I know that "Rangers of the North" only drink water, I know Sal and Joyson get separate tabs, and I know that the one guy in Slopportunists eats the Balsamic Honey Chicken sandwich, sans mushrooms. I don't want to know these things anymore. 

The hardest part about this whole transition is that I have a boyfriend here. We've been together for a little over a year, and I'm obsessed with him. I Love him, capital L love. Long story short, he wasn't sure we should stay together once I move. With both of us trying to rearrange our lives, not knowing where we're going to end up, it's difficult to imagine a solid future together. I think we'll figure things out once I make my next move and he starts to get a grasp on what he wants to do, but for now, my head is a shit show of emotion.